Too sexy for your shirt

Have you ever noticed how so many women begin to give up on themselves as they move from their forties to their fifties? For many women, it starts earlier. I’m going to make a huge generalization and say that the women who mostly tend to “let themselves go” are married women.

I don’t want to address how married men let themselves go to as they age. I’m a girl and I’m going to talk to you married girls about why you might be a bit timid to let your sexy self show after you’ve been married for a time and probably are up to your eyeballs in everything housewifey and children-y, and you find yourself living vicariously through your Pinterest page.

I was playing tennis yesterday (as I do four times a week: I’m obsessed) and suddenly, as I’m crouched, waiting for my opponent’s serve, I became aware of the fact that we four all had ponytails. And we all had brightly colored skirts and tops. On the court next to us, in contrast, were four women in their 70’s- (badass tennis players, I must add)–hair grey and chin-length, outfits grey or black.

I continued to observe them and us as we played, and I couldn’t help but make some interesting comparisons which of course spilled over as I went about my day after tennis. Everywhere I went–the grocery store, the mall—I began to check out married women and make little mental notes as I went along on how they presented themselves. Now don’t judge me harshly here–short hair is darling and grey can be too. I even saw a super hot woman who must’ve been pushing 70 at a wedding last October who had waist-length grey hair. It looked like spun silver and I wanted to touch it so badly. What I’m saying is, she’s the exception. Something starts to happen to (especially) married women in middle age.

It’s a cliche, isn’t it? How women say things like, “oh, I gave up heels years ago”. And it’s not because of illness or deformity. It’s a decision. I’m not sure when that line gets crossed, but suddenly, women are wearing “sensible” shoes ALL THE TIME. And “sensible shoes'” sister is “sensible bedtime.” I sing in a rock band, and I can’t tell you how many times when I’ve been asked what time our shows start (usually 10 pm) I’ve heard (married) women–some younger than me!–say, “Oh, that’s too late. I’m usually in bed by 10.” REALLY?? ON A SATURDAY NIGHT??? WHY??

It’s like we just give up. Dressing up and going out at 10:00 o’clock at night is too much work.  It’s easier to just stay home in our jammies on the couch. And don’t get me wrong–that’s just about MY favorite thing to do too–but if I didn’t get out of the house all dressed up at least once a week I would shrivel up and die. I know I would.

When and why do married women in their late 40’s and early 50’s begin to act like they’re headed for a nursing home? Girl, I beg you to take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. Do you like what you see? Do you think, “this girl’s hot!”? If not, why not? I’ll be you’re hotter than you think you are. Who says you have to wear “sensible” anything? Who are you trying to please? I’m aware we live in a society that says a married woman must remain sensible at all times. I’m here to shake you up and say, “WELL FUCK THAT SHIT!”

I have a BFF who was married for 30 years. Very religious. She colluded with her husband to make sure she was a sensible woman at all times. And he cheated on her with his secretary. So cliche. And guess what??!! Now she’s a hot divorcee. She lost 25 pounds, dyed her hair blonde and got a boyfriend half her age. Alternatively, I have another BFF who wore leopard pumps right up until she gave birth to her and her husband’s fifth child. I give her major props for that balancing act. And the confidence to turn a blind eye to all the stinkeyes she got and continues to get. Why do (married) women think a mom has to wear flats to be a “good enough” parent? Where does this judgmental mindset come from???

To me, “sensible” means “invisible”. Women who dress sensible 24/7 are, in my opinion, trying very hard not to be noticed. And as someone who gets a lot of attention for the way I dress, I know what that feels like to be looked at all the time, and it’s not always positive attention. I get stinkeye from married women who cluck their tongues at me possibly because “who am I trying to impress”? Guess what? I’m not trying to impress anyone dear. I LIKE DRESSING THIS WAY FOR ME. I wear what I wear because I like to feel pretty and girly and what’s more fun than being a girl???!!

It’s a known-fact that many ill-thinking hair-dressers encourage middle-aged women to cut their hair to look more “sensible”. I remember an article I read on Facebook that went viral about a hair-stylist who said to her now ex-client, “Happy 40th birthday! Time to chop off your hair!”

And how many of us think we need to “grow old gracefully”? I don’t believe you get more points in heaven for not fixing ourselves up. What if I choose not to be graceful about aging? Does that make you better than me? Even my teenage daughter knows I’m going to be the “old woman who wears purple”, but it will be my hair, not a hat. Even if I have bad luck and get cancer and have to wear a prosthetic leg, trust me, it will have a 5-inch stiletto on it in the nursing home. Grey hair?? NEVER!! And my nails will always have glitter polish. That’s just who I am.

I don’t know why many married middle-aged women hate me for the way I dress. Why does it make them uncomfortable? Is it because their husbands secretly think, “damn, wish I could see my wife’s cleavage once in a while!”? I even got bullied once. Grown women laughed and made fun of me one night last summer at a trendy bar we go to often. I became aware of them and asked my husband, “is it my imagination or are those women laughing at me?” He responded, “it is not your imagination”, and proceeded to flash them a stinkeye of his own. I was literally shaken. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me.  I decided to confront them. I was going to walk over to them and say, “Hi there! I saw you starting at me so I decided to come over and introduce myself.” And just as I worked up the nerve to get off my barstool, they made a fast bee-line to the door.

I’m sure you’re curious what I was wearing that caused all that commotion. I’ll tell you. It was a turtleneck. Hahah just kidding it was a slinky spaghetti-strapped off-white cocktail dress. Oh, and no bra. Guess I was just too slutty for my age and they thought I should’ve been wearing something much more sensible. After all, who was I trying to impress? I already had a husband!! “SHE MUST BE A SLUT!” LOOK AT HER!” “JESUS CHRIST!” “WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS GOING OUT IN PUBLIC LIKE THAT!?” I honestly can’t believe I have that much power; that I “ruined” their meal or whatever the fuck. I didn’t even notice them until they were so obvious they were impossible to ignore. Grown-ass women! Bullying another human being! This wasn’t elementary school playground teasing. These were women who were probably grandmothers and should have known better! How rude and pathetic!

I just have to say for the record that I am sensible enough to wear running shoes when I’m in DC or going to the museum. I learned in junior high that my favorite white go-go boots were not meant to be worn at Disneyland, and I suffered greatly. I actually cringe when I see a hot woman in high heels on an airplane. Jesus girl, I know you wanna look good coming off the jet but change when you land before your bae sees you. Heck, stuff them in your carryon if you must. I’m sure the flight attendants are with me on this one. God forbid we need you to help in the event of a water evacuation!!

I ask myself, “why would any woman want to be invisible?” I get it though. It sure beats getting bullied and enduring stinkeyes. But the common denominator is, the perp is a married woman! Why would this be?? Why would I be such a target for someone who’s married? I’m married too by the way, and happily.

Since I’m not trying to steal your husbands, something else must be going on. I think I’m hitting a nerve.

I think I anger some women for “trying too hard”, because then it reflects on their “not trying hard enough”. I also think there’s something about an older woman being sexual that makes many married woman turn angry. Society reinforces that unmarried women can be sexual but from middle-age on, turn that shit off! EW!!!!! She must be a slut. Unless she’s trying to snag a man, then it’s okay. How unfair is that??

Why is it though that marriage turns hot women into frumps? And don’t tell me it’s lack of money. I shop at mostly consignment stores because that’s where I find the dresses I love. I will confess to splurging on my hair–touch-ups every five weeks. It was my teenage daughter though that showed me how to wear make-up appropriate for my age (read: “no black eyeliner Mom unless you’re onstage!”)

I am sincerely curious as to when this shift begins, and how it continues. I honestly think that since this is a predominantly married woman’s predicament, I have to conclude that when you’ve been with some for two decades, the shine has worn off, and the security of knowing this person finds you attractive no matter what you’re wearing becomes your autopilot. When you no longer “need” to dress up for your dinners out unless it’s accompanied by a trip to the theater, it’s easy to get into a rut of just not bothering to do much more. Older married women can be some of the most conservative women on the planet. And it doesn’t help that aging leaves many of lumpy in the process. Because to suddenly decide to dress “hot” or sexy, one must face the reflection in the mirror. And let’s face it–society is not gentle to the female gender. We have to be perfect in every way: body, skin, eyelashes, a Rachel Ray in the kitchen, Claire Dunphy mom and a Jenna Jameson in the bedroom. It’s all too much and for some of us, it’s easier to just throw in the proverbial towel. Where do you begin?! It’s daunting for sure.

Oftentimes, these married women become divorcees, and that’s when they often transform into Hot Divorcees. Isn’t that a cliche? If you’re a divorcee, you’re hot. Why aren’t married women thought of as “hot” too? It’s because everyone knows that a divorced woman has to “put herself out there” to “catch a man”. So the message is, unless you’re fishing for a husband, there’s really no reason to shop at Victoria’s Secret anymore.

Yes, this is the message society is shouting at us. Once you’ve been “taken off the market” why bother with the annoyance and expense of stilettos, thong undies and make-up from Urban Decay? You’ve snagged your guy and the chase is over. There’s no need to impress him anymore, he’s already yours. Why is it only okay to dress provocatively if you’re single? I really want to know.

I’m not saying you have to go around dressing like me, but I urge you to ask yourself why it might bother or upset you if I do. Or what stops you from showing a little side-boob? How many red lipsticks do you have compared to nude colors? Do your clothes hug your curves or hang on you like a potato sack? Is everything in your closet monotone? Why do you keep your hair short, because it’s more flattering on your or because you think you’re “too old” for long hair? Does feeling sexy make you uncomfortable?

For my BFF, she now realizes that her husband was afraid if she presented herself as sexy and attractive, she might leave HIM, which propelled him to cheat on her first. Many married women would prefer not to have their loyalty tested by “false advertising”. Do you not trust yourself if a man does come on to you? Are you hiding behind your turtleneck because you’re afraid you wouldn’t be able to handle a handsome man’s glance?

Am I hitting a nerve? God I hope so. I live to hit nerves.

We women deserve to feel good about our bodies and the skin we live in. If you’re dressing to be unnoticed 24/7, it’s likely you have body image issues and hiding that gorgeous bod of yours because you don’t feel good about yourself. This isn’t about snagging a man or being sexy for anyone but yourself. If you have to, get yourself to a therapist to uncover why you might be so critical of your physical body. It’s not about weight or height or breast or waist size. Beauty comes from within–it’s a confidence that says, ” I’m absolutely okay with the way I am and I embrace myself'”. It’s not a dress size. I’m no longer a size 2 and that’s okay.

Seeing my husband’s face when I dress up for our date nights is an added bonus. I love to see that spark and he likes the confidence he sees in me when I feel good about myself. And don’t forget, our Significant Others don’t love us unconditionally folks. Only your mom and your pets love you unconditionally. I want to feel like I’m someone I would go out with! To me, dressing up and taking care of myself is one part of being the best me I can be. When I feel comfortable in my own skin, I can be present for YOU.

It’s a freeing feeling never having to compare myself negatively to any other woman, nor feel diminished by her beauty. When you feel good about yourself, there’s no reason to put anyone else down for any reason. It’s sad those women weren’t nice to me instead–they missed out on us buying them a round of drinks and sharing some laughs. How hard is it for you to say (as I do quite often) to married or unmarried women, “You look gorgeous in the dress!”? Next time try it, especially if you’re feeling a wee bit jealous. If you’re looking at a woman and think, “damn, I wish I had a collarbone that sexy” tell her! Don’t keep it to yourself and turn it into a put-down of your own lack of a sexy collarbone. You’ll find you’ve made a new friend in the process, and trust me, she will thank you and probably compliment you in exchange. We women need to lift each other up at every opportunity.

Now go and be your sexiest self. And if some hot young guy gives you a wink, don’t be surprised. Smile and know that you still got it girl! You always had it baby. You just didn’t realize it. Now you do. GRRRRR!!!!!