Sex and Death

When you heard rockstar Chris Cornell died with a “band” around his neck, did you immediately think what I did? That he didn’t commit suicide but rather died accidentally performing auto-erotic asphyxiation?

Oh come on now. Admit it, you did think of it.

And if society did its job, you felt guilty about it. Because “oh my god what would people think if he died masturbating??” So along with the media, you jumped on the suicide bandwagon, even though everything (so far) pointing to intentional suicide is negligible. Why is that?

Because as a friend told me last week that “it would be too embarrassing for the family if the truth got out that he died jerking off.”

So, if that’s what really happened in that room that night, it’s better to cover it up and lie about it because accidentally dying by masturbation is so much worse than
purposefully strangling yourself to end your life.

I beg to differ.

His wife has publicly “adamantly” stated that he was NOT depressed or suicidal. Family representatives called his death “sudden and unexpected.” In tandem, the “cause of death has been determined as hanging by suicide” was declared by the Wayne County Medical Examiner’s Office, pending further investigation and toxicology reports.

I’ve lost someone to suicide, and I can attest that I would’ve much rather had my brother die in the midst of an orgasm than having shot himself in the face, which is what he did. His death was also “sudden and unexpected”, but the evidence proved it was indeed suicide. We can’t know yet whether or not Cornell intended to die that night, we have only the facts that he died with an elastic band around his neck and that he was alone. Everything else is speculative at this point, unless and until toxicology reports help paint a clearer picture of what happened in that Detroit hotel room that night.

To me, dying by auto-erotic asphyxiation is no different than dying in a car crash, accidental fall, or work-place injury. It is no different than if a man keels over from a heart attack during sex with his wife. People die accidentally all the time. Around 117,000 a year according to statistics.

When a person intentionally dies at their own hands, the pain they were trying to escape from is immediately transferred to their surviving loved ones. I know. I’ve been there. Suddenly, all you feel is pain. Their pain is gone, and yours has just begun.

The shock of finding out that the person you loved was so distraught that they saw no hope at all is overwhelming. The realization and hopelessness of not having “been there” to help prevent it “if only we knew.” The helpless feelings that will never go away. The nightmares of their last moments inflicting a most gruesome act upon themselves. The unanswerable questions of “why” that will never go away. These are burdens bestowed upon the grieving thanks to the selfishness of the act of suicide.

The underground buzz is that Cornell may have actually accidentally died from erotic asphyxiation. This isn’t out of the realm of possibility. Cornell was a good husband and father. He wasn’t with another woman (if he HAD been he might be alive today). He was alone in his room. He’d just had an amazing concert in front of over 5000 people. Maybe he wanted to masturbate when he got back to his room. And maybe being a sober addict, he needed an extreme form of stimulation due to fallen dopamine levels. We don’t know. I’m not attempting to solve his death here. I’m just frustrated that we seem to feel way more comfortable believing a man was psychologically unbalanced or mentally ill than died having a little unsafe sex. Why isn’t the media blasting PSA’s about the need to always make sure you have a “spotter” if you’re into AEA? Why are there only more postings of the suicide hotline and tips for managing your depression? In this sexually crazed society that contradicts itself with sexual images fucking everywhere, wouldn’t it be prudent to at least acknowledge what we’re all really thinking? It’s called “the elephant in the room” for a reason.

If Chris Cornell died by AEA, he wouldn’t be the first rockstar or celebrity to do so. Michael Hutchence of the successful 80’s band INXS as well as David Carradine and Robin Williams. By the way, it’s important to note that the cause of death in Hutchence’s case was covered up for years as a suicide, only to be admitted as AEA by his mother years later.

I’m disturbed that I live in a world that is so repressed that it collectively believes a self-inflicted intentional death due to a person in utter despair is more readily accepted than an unintentional death due to a person in a sexually euphoric act. Why does there have to be pathology? Why do we always have to place a judgement on everything? We “understand” that Cornell might’ve been depressed and had a “good reason” to end his life that night, and as long as the media perpetuates this theory, we will run with it. We can all “understand” that as a sober addict, he may have “fallen off the wagon” and “didn’t mean to die.” We can also “understand” that depression is a serious mental illness that often leads to suicide.

But why can’t we “understand” that some people get a kick out of auto-erotic asphyxiation and sometimes it goes awry and that person stops breathing, simple as that? People bristle at any sexual act that doesn’t take place within the confines of a one-man, one-woman marital bed. Holy guacamole should a little kink be the cause of a rockstars’ untimely death! And God forbid that at that moment of suffocation, he was orgasming? Say your Hail Mary’s just for thinking such a thing!

We can’t “understand” because we’ve been brainwashed not to. We’d rather leave his mourners with the belief that he was a true rockstar, the kind that make mythical legends. A tortured soul to the very end. Romantic.

This is sick thinking. There’s nothing romantic about suicide. But if we’re going to romanticize Cornell’s death, why can’t it be “romantic” that he was making love to himself and accidentally died? Why is this so hard for us to wrap our heads around?

Chris Cornell’s state of mind that night prior to his death is being analyzed and combed through as if it were lice on a child’s head, picked off and examined one by one. We will never know the answers, no matter how much forensic evidence reveals.

I truly believe his wife and children would benefit more if they were left with thoughts of his last moments as those of pure pleasure than of despair and heartbreak. They wouldn’t go on living broken themselves, torturing themselves forever how it was their fault, that somehow they failed him in his darkest hour.

Because sometimes, shit just happens.

Author: acaligirltalks

I'm a teenager trapped in a grown-up's body. I'm a singer and a mom, happily married 24 years now to an amazing guy. I always walk on the sunny side of the street and am an eternal optimist. It's almost impossible to get me down! I say what I think and hope to provoke you out of your stupor, and do the same for me.

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